Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Moving forward....

I havent wrote in a while, was still processing it all and busy moving forward. Transfer is set for Saturday and I couldn't be more excited!!! I'm not so much nervous about the transfer and it taking. I'm confident that that will work, I just am worried about a repeat from last time. I don't know if my IPs can handle that again :(

I've been on Lupron and estrace for a few weeks now and just started all the big meds today. I'm super excited to say that I did my first PIO injection all by myself!!!!  Me, the one who passes out getting blood taken, has given myself a 1.5 inch needle! I much rather do the PIO than take the doxycycline aka the devil. 

Casidee is excited for the next transfer and she requests 2 girls to be transferred, told her we cant pick! She said that J & B need 2 girls like her and Emilee. She is such a sweet heart and prays for J & B every so often at night before bed. 

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling and my eyes fill up and the tears come out. I dont know why exactly. My heart starts beating and I'm full of tears. I think that the whole process is overwhelming, the medication kicks my butt and the fear of another loss is front and center. I know this is ALL in God's hands and he will do what needs to be done, I have to keep leaning on that to keep me grounded when the fear creeps up. 

My best friend Rini will be taking me Saturday and I'm looking forward to spending time with her and having her be a part of something that means so much to me, Brian is going to stay with the girls. Thank God for my mom who was gone with me to the D&E and will be staying with me and the girls saturday since Brian has a big race (so bummed I'm missing it!). Grateful for Casidee's best friends mom, Jill, who has watched the girls so I could drive an hour to Cooper for my appointment. I am so blessed and so lucky to have the support that I have. We have SO many people rooting for us and praying every day that J & B's dreams come true. 

I've been watching "The Little People" on TLC (I think) and watching their surrogacy journey. They had an early loss and their last transfer didn't work :( It's very humbling to see the IPs side of the journey; their thoughts, feelings, heartache. I was watching today and had to turn it off because that overwhelming feeling snuck up on me. I will NEVER fully know my IPs feelings but I hope they know how much they mean to me and that I'm their biggest cheerleader in our journey. That when they hurt, I hurt. I have grown to love these 2 people who were once "strangers" to me and I cant imagine not having them in my life. Whatever happens in our journey, I want to look back and know that this is exactly what I was meant to do and that J & B were meant to be a part of my life forever.

Wish us luck and prayers please!


Michael said...

That's awesome to know how much you care about your IPs. I'm sure they feel the same way about you. Good luck. I'll eat my Life cereal on Saturday in honor of your transfer.

ReneeR said...

Thank you!

Ellen said...


I am a PhD Student in Paris, France and do a research on surrogate mothers. I was wondering if you might be interested to participate in my study? it would imply me sending you through email several questionnaires (3 or 4) and a consent form. It would be anonymous. I already have met with several surros but the more the better for the research. Let me know if you'd would be interested in that. I can answer all your questions about my research.

Take care and good luck with everything !

Ellen Lorenceau
PhD student
Université Paris Ouest